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​What is the Most Masculine Backyard Game?

Posted by -TPOLTZ on 16th Jul 2019

What is the Most Masculine Backyard Game?

Despite my regular indulgence in feminine hair care products and female protein bars, I think masculinity is a real consideration when deciding on your backyard game. Let’s take a look at your backyard options; help me help you maintain your masculinity by reading on.

1.Washer toss- I have no idea what washer toss is or how it’s played. If it were manly, I would know about it, therefore it isn’t manly! Next…

2. Cornhole- Custom cornhole boards, a group of friends, and some cold drinks… what could be manlier? Think of it like this: a group of men, shirtless under the sunrise, sacks in hand, drunk on tequila sunrises, everyone’s having a good cornhole experience. As long as the shirts stay off and the girls stay away, we have ourselves a recipe for manliness. In reality, we all know that eventually a girl will show up and seriously disrupt the testosterone to tequila ratio and reduce the manliness significantly. Therefore cornhole isn’t manly!

3. Connect 4- If I know anything about manliness (which I do, obviously), It’s that aggressively lining up circles is manly. I’ve played connect 4 at least three times in my life and it has always been aggressive and competitive; two very masculine qualities (unless you’re a millennial, of course). Think about it like this: cars are manly, cars have wheels, wheels are circles, connect 4 uses circles, therefore connect 4 is manly… unless you lose which would be very not masculine. Are you good at connect 4? No you’re not and you will lose! Therefore connect 4 isn’t manly!

4. Giant Tumble Tower- Tumble Tower is literally a game where you construct a skyscraper and then knock it down. Giant Jenga is the same thing but bigger and more masculine. Is it physically possible for anything to be more manly? No. Get your hard hat on because the manliness is literally punching both of us in the face. Tumble Tower is by far the manliest backyard game… except for when you get tired of putting it back together when you inevitably lose and throw a tantrum like a child. Just the thought of shamefully reassembling the blocks while your victorious competitor towers over you is bringing my masculinity down to normal person level. Therefore, Giant Tumble Tower isn’t manly!